Fight For Tomorrow’s Sunrise: Good, Bad, and Ugly

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Well if you made this far after reading my origins… then you gained my respect. Now my early twenties were a blur due to alcoholism and substance abuse. My savior at this time was meeting my wife. I am blessed to have her in my corner, now my young adult children and my grandchild. Now for the next several years my work ethic (which was actually my escape from mental illnesses in hindsight) turned into workaholicism and by 2011 I was hospitalized for a few days and instructed by medical doctors not to return to work for at least three months. I suppose this is when the cracks first began to form in the box I buried my trauma in so long ago. It was not until early 2014 (after several job losses, on welfare, moving my family across country and back) when I had a seven day manic episode where I did not sleep, abusing alcohol and prescribed sleeping pills… after consuming the entire bottle of sleeping pills and washing them down with a 40 oz bottle of whiskey… it knocked me out for an hour… when I awoke… I was cold sober… nevertheless, my actions should have killed me, yet again here I stand. It was then I decided to seek help. Now I must mention, the Ontario mental health community lacks in assisting someone at the beginning of their mental illnesses adventure finding the correct help… there is no triage… you are left to your own devices to find the help you need even though you don’t understand your needs in the first place… I must declare that mental health practitioners are the first to state you are welcome to leave at any point… how would someone like me know in the mental state I was in (even in the first few years for that matter)if I would be a fit with the modalities offered… from my experience this is where therapist (as they are business people first to build their practice which I hold nothing against them for with one exception – Marie and how she handled this after our therapeutic relationship ended) I thought I found a “psycho” therapist that could help me. We will refer to her as Marie.

The Good

Marie and I did not have a good start, mostly because of my anger, rage and distrust from past attempts of reaching out for help and getting burned. Every time I reach out for help… I eventually was punished… You see all the years I tried existing as a human I was hardened and lost all touch with my emotions. Somehow (until this day) Marie cracked that shell and we were both not prepared for the immense tidal wave of trauma suppressed for over thirty years being unleashed over our two year relationship. . The first year of seeing Marie… I was emotionally & mentally dysregulated with mistrust, skepticism and anger management issues. The work she did with me was helpful yet difficult since I wanted the fucking bandage ripped off; however, she insisted slow and steady. At the time I respected her decision as she was the “expert” in hindsight it was the wrong approach for someone like me. What I know now about myself… I am 0 to 100mph type of person with nothing in between. Marie advertised some of her offerings as Somatic Experience, Dissociation, Parts Work and Trauma… this is noteworthy. After each session I would violently vomit in the parking lot until exhaustion….I do not take compassion and kindness well. As it comes from of my family of origins constant messages “You are the mistake, but we still love you”… my brain cannot distinguish between good or bad feedback as I will suffer awful consequences of distressing nature (honestly, I will be forthright with all of you… I will suffer… as most “normal” individuals will consider the pain and suffering I go through with the atomization of self – terrifying) yet I kept seeing Marie. It was within the first year I began reading about mental illnesses and any book I could get my hands on to understand what the hell was going within me including what was wrong with me. By 2015 I suffered yet another job loss at which time she referred me to Dr. Bill… a MD specializing in psychotherapy… he is now my primary therapist. With the two of them tag teaming me what could go wrong… well we will get there shortly… It was in the second year (2015) that my dysfunction as a human was escalating. I had multiple “safety” checks by police, was institutionalized on numerous occasions after these checks by our “Mental Health Act”… bullshit legislation some party thought it would be helpful… again, if you read Origins then you realize I have been self harming since I was 4 years old. In addition, a dehumanized thing like me cannot relate to the MHA community’s construct of “safety” (two perspectives on this term 1. I never grew up in a loving and protecting family… it was every man for themselves, 2. It is a subjective term… what I might consider “safe” due to my experiences others consider it unsafe, reckless and a risk) who the fuck are these Mental Health and Addictions (MHA) “experts” and there legalized criminals (those who label their brand “to serve and protect”) to tell me I am risk to self or others. In my experience with these gang colored criminals… I have found only two individuals in uniform who demonstrated respect and dignity toward me. If those in this legalized criminal fraternity do not like what my truths are… then here is my open challenge to you… prove me wrong if you have the courage to do so… By this time I was diagnosed with primarily severe CPTSD and DID, now the ongoing argument within the MHA community which is debatable is who and when I was diagnosed. This is when my mental healthcare team began receiving dissociated emails from me… some of violent or shamanic imaginary, poetry, depersonalization, derealization and curiosity and distrust. It was the fall of 2016 where I had a medical procedure involving burning me to remove a growth… the smell of burnt flesh is something you never forget…. well that night I was triggered… I left two dissociated voicemails with Marie, the first was the four year old boy crying and feeling as though the burning was presently happening… the second… I suspect it was HARAS… the message left and I quote “ I am coming after you, your family, your pets, I am going to burn your fucking kingdom down so you know what it feels like to burn, what pain is like”…. The straw that broke the camel’s back and lead to my eventual firing by Marie.

The Bad

To understand the truth of the matter I must disclose to you that from 2015 (after a short two week break from life in an institution) until early 2019… I was a complete and utterly mess outside my work life to the point that I was abusing alcohol and pharmaceuticals to numb myself, but more importantly to function within all aspect of living. I reviewed my close to 5000 calls to my local Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) chapter transcripts… most began with a statement “My head is a blender” … let’s just say my meds for mental illnesses could have been managed differently… nevertheless… again here I stand.

The dissociated emails to my circle of care, including Marie even though I erased all her contact information from all my devices kept going out from my personal email address. It must be noted from October 2016 until June 2017 I was in payment arrears with Marie. Coincidently it was July 2017 I was presented with a restraining order in which I had to appear in court. After this occurred I went into a complete and udder personal life crisis on so many fronts… I relied on the CMHA local chapter. They witnessed firsthand my interactions with police and the court supporter raised concerns with Dr. Bill about my dissociation at the courthouse. It was so bad that I had to call the support worker several hours later to ask what happened. Ironically, while I was in court something happened to Marie’s vehicle at which point she blamed me. My hyperviligance at this point was off the charts… I equipped my car with a six inch hunting knife and a baseball bat to protect me from perceived threats. It was this time I heavily leaned on CMHA my local chapter… it was not long until I became a problem for their unionized crisis line staff. CHMA leadership deemed me abusive and a risk to self and others the first time then banned me without providing alternative support numbers or a proper client risk assessment. It was at this time within a three week hiatus from CMHA I attempted to put a drill through my head on several occasions, not because I was suicidal… because I needed to find relief from all the pain I was in from the court proceeding and the hyperviligance… I was back to only sleeping less than four hours a night… the rest of my sleeping hours were spend preparing for the threats… holding onto a baseball bat and I slept (without my wife knowing) under my pillow including one hand always on it… another six inch hunting knife… and of course a baseball within reach too. Now I have raised the criminal negligence of CMHA local chapter with the CEO of CMHA Ontario and CMHA National… they both stated due to how this brand is structure (each a legal entity onto itself) they had no jurisdiction over my local chapter. By this time only after three weeks back using their crisis line… I was banned for life (without a client risk assessment which the director of crisis services admitted in an email). Anyways my local health department launched an investigation concluding there was no fault in the actions by CMHA. I was exiled into isolation at that point…. to this day I cannot use their services, yet my local health department continues to subsidize CMHA with my tax dollars – under the criminal code this is fraud… I raised this with provincial and local administrators including politicians… for two years now fraud is committed yet no one is held accountable nor responsible… it is as though CMHA local chapter, their leadership and my local health department are above the law. Oh wait… it’s the devil the Canadian Federal government has partnered with… therefore at any level of government agencies it is the devil they know and lay in bed with. My thoughts on the CMHA brand… they are abusers and criminals that use avoidance to address their actions, their leadership lacks integrity, demonstrates arrogance and ignorance when serious concerns are raised… here is a thought… do you think they would have taken credit if I seriously injured or died from the drill incident? Hell no… they would have placed the blame on me… my fault… bestow upon me the ownership of their own shit.

The Ugly

Now a bit about the back story… Marie from 2016 until present day has managed to gaslight my MHA community leaders, courts and police services by painting a picture (through her own fears from when in sessions I disclosed my violent past… vulnerabilities she used to hang me in court) of a monster… vilified and demonized through her narrative. I encountered discrimination at all levels since once you are bestowed the acronyms of CPTSD and DID… truthfully most, including me do not stand a chance.

January 2018… fuck… what a shit storm… at the time Marie’s actions had me so freaked out with mistrust of all systems, agencies and individuals including Dr. Bill and my support network. Did I mention Dr. Bill and Marie’s offices were across hall from one another… anyways I was on the property (I call it this as it is of religious ground with multi-purposes) waiting for my group therapy session with Dr. Bill to begin. I happened to see Marie’s colleague in the parking lot when she gave me a smug yet devious look including a smile as she knew what happened… a look that states I am to blame… it was my fault… of course I was triggered (I began drinking the beer I bought for later when I get home to numb myself) which escalated me to be triggered again… you guessed… rinse and repeat… by the time group began I was fully dissociated and using CMHA Crisis support… I apparently stated I was going to bring my bat into to group session to protect myself… long story short I was detained by an army of police officers with guns and tazers drawn… (Apparently, somehow this was a miscommunication about the knife in my car which the police heard I was wielding a knife) I have a brief memory of being on my stomach on the ground with my hands behind my back, yet not hand cuffed, when I felt the officers boots into my rips… the police deny this happening and stated I resisted arrest (this is not the first time I have conscious memories of police and ER staff abusing me… I have CPTSD and DID… my word means shit in those circles). I was hauled off to jail I suppose or the ER for a short hospital stay. By this point Marie had been informed and gaslit the authorities that I was on the property to hurt her… fucking far from the truth. That was the last night I was ever allowed back to the property as Marie (she will deny this… states it was the police) convinced the good “Christian” property owners to have a criminal trespass ordinance deployed with my name on it. You guessed it… I lost access to my Dr. Bill (temporarily), but the most damaging… was losing my tribe (my group). It should be mentioned as before this event I requested my full unredacted health records in electronic format from Marie in Dec 2017. I received her commitment via a letter on her letterhead and she consciously signed it. A few days later she retained a lawyer whom has antagonized me with false accusations of threats. This is noteworthy. As demonstrated… it was too late as the damage was done.

So at this point this is where Marie gaslit everyone, stated she feared for her life, disclosed to colleagues she was afraid I would bomb her car and even on one occasion claimed I smeared blood across her windshield when I was in court! Marie vilified and demonized me with local police… full well knowing the police were a trigger, yet she never disclosed this to them once when she called about me … can you say criminal negligence?

Anyhow by now I did not trust this woman at all or her integrity… now the governing body (College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario aka CRPO) states the member has thirty calendar days to respond. However, these two stated it would be delayed due to the holiday season in which I replied it was unacceptable and to adhere to the College rules… nevertheless January 2018 they issued legislative rules stating if my records were released they would cause me to self harm or harm others…. This is noteworthy as it comes into play soon enough. My only recourse at this point was to launch complaints with the CRPO, Canadian Counseling and Psychotherapy Association (CCPA) and the Information Privacy Commission (IPC) as this is the process. I will get back to this debacle later on.

Oh it is going to get more abusive for me from Marie…. She launched a police investigation against me… I was so distressed my substance abuse escalated and my well being deteriorated, I was prescribed even more meds for side effects and issued more med to combat the side effects for the initial side effects… even my blood pressure was out of sorts… I was hospitalized on several occasions for high blood pressure, too low blood pressure which felt like cardiac arrest. Shit… this went on for quite some time until spring of 2019 when I voluntarily stopped all my meds… now the damage to my body has been done as there are some meds I need to manage the damaged systems.

It was February 2018 when I was officially arrested and charged with Uttering Threats and Criminal Harassment. I will spare you the details here… just know the Uttering Threats charge was dropped (Thank you Premier Doug Ford and the Toronto Sun for the headline that managed to get this charge dropped) and under the Canadian Charter of Rights (Section 15. (1) Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, color, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.) Yep… it was not adhered to as I do not recall any of my court dates nor arrest and questioning… my supporters wrote letters, patient reports and psychiatric assessment advocating for mental health diversion… denied by the only person in the legal system predefined to make such a decision… the crown attorney in my case. So apparently I pleaded guilty, yet I still do not recall any of this (it is well documented) I have a three year conditional discharge that can be reopened at any time if Marie feels unsafe; Probation for 18 months and 10 year weapons ban (note: the word weapon in the order I have… the fine print states a weapon will be determine by police… for example anything not physically attached to my body can be considered a weapon… even a simple item like a gum wrapper). Ah yes… these are meaningless consequences of insignificance my true life sentence without parole are my brain injuries.

The complaint processes what fucking gong shows… a system intentionally designed to fail the public and protect all professions… this is the theme throughout this entire battle front over the last four years and counting. So from my complaints I have to date I have been denied by CMHA, CCPA, IPC (which there decisions to not carry a sentence) and the CRPO. Now with the CRPO I appealed their first decision that went to the Health Professionals Appeal and Review Board (HPARP) which ruled in my favor. It was through this appeal process when Marie’s responses to my claims were revealed. The committee within the CRPO that reviews complaints… through responses and interactions with the CRPO … it is implied that the committee members that oversees complaints are all practicing “Psycho” therapists with no lived experiences to discuss the other side of the complaint. My ruling required the CRPO to take action. So they asked for my consent in order to take action… this completely contradicted an email from the manager of complaints I received at the beginning of the process… besides that I discovered how Marie and the CRPO broke their own publically published rules, mission statements and values… most importantly their mandate “to protect the public and public interest, not the profession” Needless to say I was never given an opportunity to decide upon my consent as the CRPO moved ahead with their denial decision claiming I did not give consent even though I was open to civil discussions (well documented) about this if they addressed my concerns… hence I am going into round two with the HPARB all my expenses are courtesy the Ontario taxpayer. I offer no apologies as I too; even though society, my community and such will view me as a criminal (living with the shame of my DNA in the RCMP HQ criminal database for eternity), use shame, oppression, gas lighting and discrimination against me. For the record I have determined that the CRPO’s main revenue stream is from the membership fee’s… a conflict of interest if you ask me… in addition this makes all their decisions based in business… protect the profession and bottom line.

There are no safeguards in Ontario’s MHA system … one big fat lie from Christine Elliot Minister of Health (visit my twitter @victorjanzen as her letter addressed to me was published for the world to see within the last few days….); Michael Tobollo Associate Minister of MHA; Dr. Merillee Fullerton Minister of Health and Long Term Care and the official opposition Party and Leader. Even the complaints process through the Ministry Of Attorney General (MAG) When I requested the crown attorney’s credentials for mental health diversion consideration and the decision matrix documents used to determine and support the criminal trial determination … I was told by the Criminal Law Division, Ministry of the Attorney General that”they are not accountable to the public as they are accountable to the courts even though the courts are accountable to public. Then there is the Ontario Ombudsmen as a taxpayer why the hell do I pay for this! My experience… glorified note takers and documenting complaints as they can only suggest government agencies implement their suggestions; however, they can neither force agencies nor enforce recommendations with agencies. What bullshit.

In summary, the following MHA individuals/organizations: Marie, CRPO, CMHA (all levels), CCPA and HPARB including the MAG and IPC are guilty of shame, oppression and discrimination tactics. From my experiences the last four years it begins with the following provincial leaders/politicians Christine Elliot, Michael Tibollo, Dr Merillee Fullerton (Sitting government ministers) and Andrea Horwath (Official Opposition)… there arrogance and ignorance is not an excuse for their bullying and harassing actions of doing absolutely nothing. Once again, the abusers and criminals get away. As for my criminal sentence as stated by the MAG… their duty was to keep safe and protect the public… so my feedback to all of you (Canadians) I entrust you and your family feel safe and are protect knowing the justice was served… as I have been a prisoner in my own home for the last four years, I am anxious and distressed every time I leave my home… for the last 27 weeks I have nightly episodes of the atomization of self in all four pillars (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual)… pain and suffering that you will not find in any text book… I have no choice or control of these episodes… once it grabs on to me… grinds me up… deconstructs me… then eventually pulverizes me… it might decide to let me go and then again it might not… these episodes at minimum last over two hours and the worst is when it goes on for twenty four hours… So remember the folks… how does it feel to be safe and protected at night when you go to bed? My only comments… appreciate what you have… I mean this not by material possessions… it is much deeper than that.

I will leave you with this analogy: If you had a friend whom had a disabled child… you witnessed your friend administer abuse (emotional, mental or physical) to the disabled child… what would you do?

  1. Protect the child and say something to your friend.
  2. Protect the child and report your friend to the proper authorities.
  3. Deny the truth, say nothing, and protect the friendship.

From perspective and I do not mean to be disrespectful to my supporters; however, all involved (perhaps including you the reader) have or will consciously choose C as the answer. What does that say about your social fabric of the human condition…? I cannot help but wonder just how inhumane humanity can be… perhaps its societal preference as my brain injuries are invisible… transcends race, heritage, creed, color of skin and so on.

My response to all of you…. #nolongerinvisble #NLI  #dehumanized #truth…. I will continue to exercise my rights… I do have a voice…. As…  I am a warrior…. I am a survivor!

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